There are some people out there who don’t like the term ‘connection junkie’.
Even though I use the term a lot, I am aware of its limitations, in the same way that all words are limited when it comes to conveying what we mean. However, having said that, I believe that those that have most issue with the term are those who are most likely to be harbouring the instincts, behaviours and habits, which I associate with being a ‘connection junkie’.
So why use it? What am I trying to get at?
The reason why I feel the term is limited is mostly to do with the universality of these traits. They are universal, because we have all been born, and have all felt in some primordial, wordless experience, what it feels like to be connected. So, I do not sit outside, looking in at these strange people, for I count myself in amongst them. Some people do not like the term ‘junkie’ because it denotes something negative, however, just as with other addictions, the longing for connection is often one that is covered up, hidden and denied. It is this hidden aspect of our desire for connection that can become toxic and harmful in our relationships.
But, why would anyone want to hide their desire for connection, especially if this is common to all human beings?
It may seem strange to some of you, but not everyone goes about meeting his or her needs with ease. We can carry all sorts of complex feelings that we keep hidden from view. This is where I will draw a parallel between what I term, being a ‘connection junkie’, and eating disorders. I am not overly satisfied with the term disorder, for I think there is often an abundance of order and ritual in these supposed disorders. But, if we were to look at the behaviours related to food as eating disorders, then the behaviours I am referring to may be viewed as social disorders.
Both participants exhibit complex feelings about something that many of us hold as being simple. Meeting our needs, especially when it comes to the most basic needs, like eating, sleeping, shitting, and drinking, need never be a complex thing for most of us. Yet, with those struggling with eating disorders [and social disorders], the need and the satisfaction both become a problem.
To take this further, I think that some people could be referred to as social anorexics, some as social bulimics, some as socially unhealthy, and some as socially obese. These terms are only as useful as they are useful. They only serve to illustrate the similarities between the meeting of social needs and the meeting of our nutritional needs.
The social anorexic has a deep need and hunger, but hates themselves for needing at all. They punish themselves for having the need, by starving themselves of the thing they need.
The social bulimic, sates their need with gusto, and then goes to the opposite extreme, attempting to rid themselves of their gluttony. They may experience ecstasy in the connection, but feel guilt at the loss of control they experience in the ecstasy, like the whiskey remorse of the drunk…they promise themselves they will never drink again.
The socially unhealthy, is just someone who has a bad diet, but even bad diets can kill. These are people who associate with people that do them no good, and bring no richness into their lives. The company they keep provides no nutrition and instead leaves them with problems and upsets that fuel other problems and upsets.
The socially obese, are those who just can’t stop, and don’t know how to be contentedly alone. They feast on the connection and feel irritable if they aren’t feasting…the connecting is comforting, and the separateness is at best simply a problem to be overcome, and at worst, something that terrorises them when awake, and even in their dreams.
Like I say, these comparisons are very limited, but, they may serve to shed light on the complex issues that many of us struggle with when it comes to meeting our needs. It seems like society is trying to get to a better understanding of mental illness. I think this begins with being honest about our own longings and habits, our own fantasies and fears, our own wishes and disappointments.
There is no such thing as normal, however, we can all get our bearings in whatever situation, circumstance and landscape we find ourselves in, and move to somewhere else. No matter where we stand, we can move, and move to somewhere better. We need never do this to please anyone but ourselves, but, that is half the battle for connection junkies like you and me…learning to do things for ourselves, to please ourselves, to invest in ourselves, and not for anyone else’s sake but our own.
And, as a famous rabbi once said…yada yada yada
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